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| Wednesday, April 30th, 2008 | | 12:54 pm |
My Swan Inspired by the practice of Liber Resh vel Helios sub figura CCMy swan-boat parts dark waters, & I Have seen death creep up to my soul. But will it ever touch me? Oh! My swan parts the sea of the night-sky. Beauty & love both pass through an eye. I've seen at least a single friend go Into the night yet meet Sol again! Oh! My swan parts the sea of the night-sky. For She is all that is not I And I am the sun's young inferno, Encircled by infinite waters. Oh! My swan parts the Sea of the Night-Sky. | | Friday, April 18th, 2008 | | 8:28 am |
| | Tuesday, April 15th, 2008 | | 12:55 pm |
Love Dreamer
Our names will float away on the wind,
So let us do our work.
I am a love dreamer,
And my cause and goal divine are called "Mystery".
When I remember my murdered tribe
I dream of Our Love.
When I see my enslaved tribe
I dream of Our Love.
When I end the life of an enslaver,
I dream of Our Love.
When I end the life of a murderer,
I dream of Our Love.
I am not a "love warrior"
Or I would discover martial law to be law.
I am not a "love warrior"
Or I would discover war to be the end.
Our kind have let a dream upon their mind
And a chain upon their hand
Which are not of us,
Love Dreamer.
| | Sunday, April 6th, 2008 | | 8:41 pm |
On the vast canvas of the Self,
the picture of manifold worlds
is painted by the Self itself.
And that Supreme Self,
seeing but itself,
enjoys Great Delight.--Sankaracarya,
Svatmanirupanam, 95
| | Friday, March 28th, 2008 | | 1:42 pm |
| | Monday, March 24th, 2008 | | 4:41 pm |
"None of us has lived... ...the life that he intended."--Joseph Campbell (3/26/1904 - 10/30/1987),
The Power of Myth: Part 6 of 6, "Masks of Eternity" | | 4:10 pm |
The Angel of Death with the Proud & the Devout Man The Arabian Nights, Cap. XVIt is related, O auspicious King, that one of the olden monarchs was once minded to ride out in state with the officers of his realm and the grandees of his retinue and display to the folk the marvels of his magnificence. So he ordered his lords and emirs equip them therefor and commanded his keeper of the wardrobe to bring him of the richest of raiment, such as befitted the King in his state, and he bade them bring his steeds of the finest breeds and pedigrees every man heeds. Which being done, he chose out of the raiment what rejoiced him most and of the horses that which he deemed best, and donning the clothes, together with a collar set with margarites and rubies and all manner jewels, mounted and set forth in state, making his destrier prance and curvet among his troops and glorying in his pride and despotic power. And Iblis came to him and, laying his hand upon his nose, blew into his nostrils the breath of hauteur and conceit, so that he magnified and glorified himself and said in his heart, "Who among men is like unto me?" And he became so pulled up with arrogance and self-sufficiency, and so taken up with the thought of his own splendor and magnificence, that he would not vouchsafe a glance to any man. Presently there stood before him one clad in tattered clothes and saluted him, but he returned not his salaam, whereupon the stranger laid hold of his horse's bridle. "Lift thy hand!" cried the King. "Thou knowest not whose bridle rein it is whereof thou takest hold." Quoth the other, "I have a need of thee." Quoth the King, "Wait till I alight, and then name thy need." Rejoined the stranger, "It is a secret and I will not tell it but in thine ear." So the King bowed his head to him and he said, "I am the Angel of Death and I purpose to take thy soul." Replied the King, "Have patience with me a little, whilst I return to my house and take leave of my people and children and neighbors and wife." "By no means so," answered the Angel. "Thou shalt never return nor look on them again, for the fated term of thy life is past." So saying, he took the soul of the King (who fell off his horse's back dead) and departed thence. Presently the Death Angel met a devout man, of whom Almighty Allah had accepted, and saluted him. He returned the salute, and the Angel said to him, "O pious man, I have a need of thee which must be kept secret." "Tell it in my ear," quoth the devotee, and quoth the other, "I am the Angel of Death." Replied the man: "Welcome to thee! And praised be Allah for thy coming! I am aweary of awaiting thine arrival, for indeed long hath been thine absence from the lover which longeth for thee." Said the Angel, "If thou have any business, make an end of it," but the other answered, saying, "There is nothing so urgent to me as the meeting with my Lord, to whom be honor and glory!" And the Angel said, "How wouldst thou fain have me take thy soul? I am bidden to take it as thou willest and choosest." He replied, "Tarry till I make the wuzu ablution and pray, and when I prostrate myself, then take my soul while my body is on the ground." Quoth the Angel, "Verily, my Lord (be He extolled and exalted!) commanded me not to take thy soul but with thy consent and as thou shouldst wish, so I will do thy will." Then the devout man made the minor ablution and prayed, and the Angel of Death took his soul in the act of prostration and Almighty Allah transported it to the place of mercy and acceptance and forgiveness. | | Saturday, January 12th, 2008 | | 11:34 am |
Insight into Shadow "Peace to all beings. Peace to thee,
Co-heir of mine eternity.
Peace to the greatest and the least,
To nebula and nenuphar!
Light in abundance be increased
On them that dream that shadows are!"--Aleister Crowley, Liber AHA!
Early last night I recalled Crowley's description of the demons or shadows manifesting to visible appearance in the room of Boleskine in which he was first attempting the A.O., & how they were becoming thicker & thicker with time such that sunlight would not reach the center of the room even while its windows were open to the daylight. I considered this for the first time with the realization of it's reality as an actual experience, & the connection of the A.O. & the formality & discipline of even the whitest magick necessarily treating essential vital charges, including those of "fear". Later in the night I communed with Shabbatai. (I do this regularly in meditation at her feet, sometimes w/ a burnt sacrament.) The repetition of her cycle in my life has been pronounced. It's interesting to me that though her cycle is only 29.5 years, in my awareness it appears to be more like 33. It occurs to me that this may only reflect the fact that I wasn't self-aware enough to accumulate accessible memories until I was 3. In other words, the themes (& even some of my earliest friends though they've been out of my life for a decade or more) of my entire life have begun repeating as of a year ago, when I turned 33. This implies a 33-year cycle, but since my earliest memories were while I was 3 it's more-accurately a 29.5-year-cycle whose first 3 years I simply haven't recognized. S. emphasized the potential for repetition in this cycle, but then clarified the insulation of my environment in this cycle from that of the last. She said that fear is never necessary. I recalled with distaste those ego-inflating "No Fear" stickers on the back of hundreds of Huntington Beach racist-jock-yuppie monster trucks. On the other hand, the point is sincerely sound. I became aware of a persistent cloud of negativity fixating my mind on details of past events, whether directly or indirectly connected to the actual death & abandonment events. (Most objects of the fixation were merely conversational &/or ideological.) This cloud is so much more transparent for me lately than even just a few months ago that I think my awareness of it shows an improvement in my overall sensitivity & balance. I've made huge progress in nurturing my mind away from anxiety (including attacks) & P.T.S.D. hallucinations. I can see that she is right 100%: Even when on my deathbed & convinced I had no other options, any fear I might've felt (I was too sick to feel it as an emotion) didn't even apply to any real circumstances: It was the love of Life that kept me in it & looking to survive, & the love of Light that kept me conscious, & the love of Liberty that allowed me to still wish well to others. Fear has grown in its own way as I've emerged from that ordeal & looked back on the circumstances: The poisons, the abandonment, & the loss of years, businesses, loved ones.... I hurt for these & it paralyzes until I turn them into lessons applicable to present love & life. The 4 elements are Father, Mother, Son & Daughter. Our experience of our actual parents is a reflection of the elements. Familial imbalance is an elementary one. This is part of what seemed to be spelled out to me as my most fundamental "knowledge" on my 33rd birthday. This has been on my mind lately, & now I see a snare of guilt for beating them, yet more guilt for not beating them more quickly; guilt for utilizing the elements necessary to stand upon my own two feet, guilt for victory in what is right. Is it pity for the (self-)defeated who had intended to continue using me as their "fear-sink"? Shabbatai's spiral is newly repeating (for me), but of course the elements needn't remain so imbalanced. The insulation of my new environment, even socially/informational-ly (from the party in question) shows the pattern needn't repeat...with those players. Fear is unnecessary. Love is necessary. (Love = agape = 93 = anagki = necessity.) Where fear survives, the "defeat of fear" is necessary to Love. What we put there we do because we've connected it to our love. This struck me. The party that dominated the last cycle need not play any direct role in the current cycle. But if I continue to connect the scenario of abuse to my love, I will create the scenario, whether any other party is involved or not. It is the constant judgmental voice in my mind, & the constant anger. It is no good to simply ignore &/or repress the voice or feeling. S. showed me as a young child. The scenario was theoretical & did not seem to be a memory: I was in my room & my mother entered, furious & in a mode of checking all points of obedience, looking only for a flaw in which to pour her angry abuse. She finds something & questions it. I deny it as much as I plausibly can as a defense against the obviously-imminent (really already begun) attack. She questions my words with logic to reveal the lie, & fuels her anger with this. This was a true & constant formula that constituted the first 60 seconds of countless 1/2-hr. or hour-long episodes of aggression! This was the norm! I have seen it since that age as the norm &, because of this, it has become part of an identity unquestioned: Part of my mind has given to it some of the love of life, & continued to devote mental energy & diverge intentions into the necessary defenses: SECRECY & logic...& eventually I would learn to temper the attacks by fighting back, too, but would be ganged up on for it & learn to just fight harder to survive with some part of myself. As soon as I left that environment as a young adult, I noticed that secrecy & aggression & pushing people with fear (only for practical jokes) were natural to me but attributed it only to my Sol in Scorpio. I consciously evolved my behavior to be more balanced, & I think evolved as a "Scorpio" (it has other animals connected to it) but failed to correct the scenario & formula programmed deeply into my consciousness. I seemed to find great & lasting peace of mind & productivity, but very soon the scenario included a completely new variable to my life: Unconscious self-injuries that were chronic (viz. tendinitis, carpal tunnel syndrome & colitis) & that would build for years to threaten my livelihood & life before I would even question their roots more deeply than the purely-physical. S. told me it was alright to stop loving that disease--the one at the root, of aggression & abuse. I did so, & here there was no guilt for victory in what is right--No pity for the (self-)defeated who had intended to continue using me? Then, in regard to the remaining mental cloud of negativity, I banished to balance the elements (L. & G. B.R.P.s), but with a little difficulty, having to restart twice (which is rare for me). And I went to sleep. I hadn't foreseen what a definite change in something this constituted. As I drifted to sleep, I saw my parents' dynamics/interaction with each other. Without a portion of love given to that disease, I did not see two human beings, but one creature, small & hairy, whose eyes were not visible & whose brain had shrunken or been forgotten. It had a perverse & prominent orifice that blindly searched in a continual hunger, like a creature who once had a dignified life (or at least it's portion of potential for it) but had been perverted so greatly it had become a parasite. I was so startled by the image (or recognition), that when I felt the slightest hint of sensation at my feet, I jumped up from my near-sleep & leapt out of bed as I haven't done since a young boy having a nightmare. I shook out the sheets to be sure there wasn't something there.... I didn't pay it any thought at the time, but I did next notice that where my feet had been, a permanent-ink triangle is still still visible on my lower sheet from where I had used it in my only Goetic operation on my 33rd birthday. (Had to improvise that day, you see.) I've been sleeping in the circle, but w/ my feet in the triangle. I couldn't think of why this might definitely be bad, & haven't wanted to buy new sheets. Was this a poor choice? Anyone have any specific ideas on this point? L.L.L.L. & 93s. | | Friday, December 7th, 2007 | | 10:51 pm |
Legions lose less-interesting lives.
| | Friday, November 23rd, 2007 | | 4:03 pm |
Socially-Conditioned Cover
It was occurring to me that nothing has convinced me that sincere emotional intimacy & in-the-present love are not simply inherent & natural to sexual intimacy. My next thought was that perhaps our domesticated society is "sexually repressed" simply because emotional intimacy is repressed: Are we taught to hide our deepest feelings because they aren't "polite"? or just not "proper"? What's the value at play? That it's "unprofessional", i.e. "unprofitable"?
That would actually explain the apparent contradiction of society being sexually-repressive while employing its images (less any real context of intimacy): Employing images of sex in order to sell a product is "justified" as being "professional", i.e. "profitable"!
Where are people discussing values? It seems to me like something people might do well to think more about.
| | 3:35 pm |
Sacrament "I understood that our entire universe is contained in the mind and the spirit. We may choose not to find access to it, we may even deny its existence, but it is indeed there inside us, and there are chemicals that can catalyze its availability."--Alexander Shulgin
"The Peace Drug"; Washington Post, 11/25/2007* *Thanks, ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) al_qhadhulu. | | Thursday, November 22nd, 2007 | | 2:22 am |
"Nothingness...with Sparkles"; Stars on the Cosmic Sea "For nothing is fixed, forever and forever and forever, it is not fixed; the earth is always shifting, the light is always changing, the sea does not cease to grind down rock. Generations do not cease to be born, and we are responsible to them because we are the only witnesses they have. The sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and children cling to us. The moment we cease to hold each other, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out."--James Baldwin | | Wednesday, November 21st, 2007 | | 6:26 pm |
Thirty-Four My mother tortured me for her pleasure. My sweet love's words echo in my ears while I see the flesh of her corpse crushed like meat. How many turns of the sun may be veiled by these?
93. Well, I haven't given anyone an update on my prophetic predictions from my 33rd birthday a year ago. I did move to Santa Cruz, I did establish my "LILY House" at the first place I went to see about renting. The first check I wrote for it came to $2536, (25 = 5^2 & 36 = 6^2 [5 & 6 symbolizing the micro- & macro-cosm whose union is the Great Work), & after moving in I noticed that the address adds up to 80 (80 = LILY) & the name of the street is a prime symbol for Binah (Binah = LILY). Once I settled in & got comfortable, the layers began peeling back & I kept hearing her voice & seeing her corpse, vividly, persistently for hours at a time, like the persistent reek of the rot in the shadows of my mind until I'd break down in the night & cry like a baby, feeling the reality of the fact. I finally read something on P.T.S.D. & discovered I've been a textbook case: Facing my own death, practically from my death bed for the worst months of those years, watching loved ones get killed (by themselves or others) in the same struggle for shelter & food.... Why did my therapist listen to me detail all that for months, including the physical aspects of my medical condition & what it was like to be chronically apathic & feel my organs shutting down for months & then even going into ketoacidosis, etc.? How could he take notes on all that for months & then, instead of recommending treatment for P.T.S.D., tell me I'd be happy if I stopped working for myself & worked for someone else? When my mind was really in pain a couple months ago I left tearful phone messages for highly-recommended therapists up here, saying I was "in hell", but after 2 days of it I just had to cut something off & can't get myself to think about it. I can imagine but realize I can't really know the pain of those near me who lost more than their close friend but their son to heroine, or the father of their children to murder to prevent court testimony, or their own father to murder by their own step-father for big money, or their boyfriend over family business schisms, or just being separated from their own young daughter by being imprisoned. I can see some hint of the weight they carry in their stance, posture, eyes, broken teeth, tattoos, scars. You know, the problem isn't death but MURDER. Once you're over whether it was murder or not (attempted or successful), you just need someone to touch your heart with some care, & maybe shine a little light where you're too dark too heal. I didn't survive alone. I haven't survived as a single person. He didn't even survive, but we're still here. I haven't been able to express much of the above with more than a couple people. Why is my communication so poor with my family that I don't even feel I can say I'm dissatisfied with something without getting shut down for it. I once told my mom I wanted to talk to her about something important so we could put it behind us & go forward with our lives, & she shut me down & talked about how difficult of a child I'd always been instead. True story. It's occurring to me now I can't tell them what I like without them poisoning it, either. They've thrown away my artwork more than once. I've invited them to read my poetry & they never read a word. I was on local T.V. winning my first skateboarding contest at the age of 12, & as team captain led a shop team including Ronnie Bertino & Jessee Roach (who became major pros) to win a state skateboarding championship, was paid to star in a print advertisement, have been in multiple pro mag's & vid's, & my sister actually said after all that that she was surprised no one in our family had succeeded in anything athletic or physical. They didn't understand me before I dipped into 8 years of disease & death & occultism & psychedelics & P.T.S.D.-tweaked brain chemistry, & I'm noticing I don't even have hope that they would understand any of my words to them. When I look at my life, I'm proud I've accomplished some of the things I truly loved, & that my head didn't get so big that I wanted to put anyone down or be isolated above them. I wanted to be understood as my "real" self & I suppose that may ever only happen with a few. For my 34th birthday I've been visiting my real family left behind in Orange County, & realizing I'll never forget the meaning of the understanding & trust we have--how vital it is to the survival of each of us against the oligarchic machine. We may not be in the exact same trench, but we are surviving the same battle together. Blood Storks for life.
44 Thank you to EVERYONE who has been (& will be) there for me in the communion of all conscious beings. 93s.
L.L.L.L. | | 5:26 pm |
Letter to _ From Almost a Year Ago By the way, not feeling at ease because you're simply diseased is one thing. Knowing you're mortal is one thing. I have to be honest with you in explaining what my feelings are about: Knowing you're diseased to the degree you're wasting away with all solutions apparently explored & none remaining & the 2 people who brought you into the world saying about even lesser things "I'm not supporting you" & "I don't have any pity for you", & spending months accepting the solitude of my course into the dirt is the soul-disconnecting brain twister I'm talking about & facing having to reverse. Finding out "oh, we didn't mean it; that's just thoughtless, mistaken communication about our son's mental & physical survival" makes quite a negative impression upon me, of which destroying what little trust existed is part. I am not even trying to hurt nor blame you anymore for anything at all.
However accidental, I simply have to be honest with you: I may forget who said what & why, but I may never forget how it felt to say goodbye to life & know that no voice of comfort would be saying so much as "goodbye" back. I may never forget my shock & confusion to see E. give her cat a couple of comforting words when it was ill & dying, & hearing a human being's care about another life & realizing that her simple gesture of comfort was absolutely foreign to my mind & that no part of me imagined any possibility of me receiving such a gesture from my own race--not even my own family. Imagine the depth of confusion stirring through my whole being as I witnessed that a cat was being comforted by humans in its course toward death, while I had accepted fully that any complaint on my part as I designed & enacted my death was nothing but a burden on anyone around me. I faced death because I thought I had to. How can I do so & then be convinced to face life when I don't have to? How can I return to the place of the living except in complete offense when the only clothes I've kept are for burial?
I think I have every right to be furious. This is where my mind is stuck lately. Articulating it to you is helping me see that I've come from somewhere much worse & am on my way somewhere else. (I'm still stuck.) | | Saturday, November 3rd, 2007 | | 1:08 am |
Add:
11. I was never alone. I am alone, ALl ONe.
221 + 11 = 232 = IHI AUR (Heb. "Let there be light."*)
*AL = ALLA = L.L.L.L. = 120 = ON.
| | Friday, November 2nd, 2007 | | 9:21 pm |
221. The Weave of the Left-Handed Svastika A.P.K. + L.L.L.L.
= 101 + 120 =
ALO + KOL
(Heb. "Destroyed Master")(Sacrament 334 observed while Pluto entered into conjunction w/ center of Milky Way in 26th degree of Sagittarius, 10/28/2007) 1. I once looked upon the blackness without cursing my mother. 2. Another time, I looked upon Laylah's face in the light & loved her, without stealing a kiss from even the memory of her image. Then to me did she give a kiss, but as my daughter. 3. The first man I kissed was my father. My body came from his, through that of my mother, as the threads of the woven blanket of sleep. 4. A droplet was poured into my palm, & another fell there by chance, so that my cup spilleth a little into the sea. I drank from the cup, & because its light crystallized in my blood, all my children were called saints. But even the sun & the moon are the fallen children of Your dewdrop, & that dewdrop remained upon the keystone, All in Your Name. Apo pantos kakodaimonos; Light, Life, Love & Liberty. 5. My brother who is free knew that the river ran with my joyous blood, & he held me, saying "Have no fear". In his hands, I understood that the final posture of the yogi must always be "the corpse". Still he held me, saying "Help me to move your body into the coffin". But to understand the final posture is to master it, so that the dewdrop remained upon the keystone, All in Your Name. Apo pantos kakodaimonos; Light, Life, Love & Liberty. 6. A fish tasted of the droplet that spilt, & swam to the shore, & when it saw the land it coveted a mountain & sang a beautiful song to seduce it. A single droplet fell from the snowy heights, but I dispersed it across the faces of the pyramid so that Your temple shall yet climb the Abyss in Your Name. All in Your Name I dispersed them, & the quiet of it calmed the sea. If in that moment it should have been known, a cloud would have added its shadow, & the flash of fire would have fallen to the earth with the rain. But the dewdrop remained upon the keystone, All in Your Name. Apo pantos kakodaimonos; Light, Life, Love & Liberty. 7. In his sleep, my brother rested his arm upon my breast. I stirred his sleep with a feign of my breath's heaviness, but then I saw that by this I was strangling my self because he would not. The naked kiss of full enlightenment is given in waking silence. Yet when we create the storm, its sound is woven into a blanket of sleep that we may dream the shadows. Then I heard him dream of me, & then I heard the sound of my speech in my sleep. I rose to my feet to record it, & in that moment my sister Sophia brought me a sheet of white paper with 4 corners, & also a glass of water that I may drink among the living. 8. "Ain Soph" The Lost Word
is the one
you are speaking
And in my sleep
I spoke it
& could not stop myself:
"I love you
through all space & time"
Even though the pencil is broken. 9. I heard also her tears falling, yet I dared not knock upon the door, for it would be to add a noise. All of my own doors were opened, so I looked & saw that there is no war, & there are no soldiers. Go & see: There is nothing but your children, & every one of their bodies has upon it some of the dirt of the earth. 10. Then she appeared to me with a different face, that I did not recognize. She spoke kindly & explained how her tears were only the passing of the ages, & telling me of this was to speak of the perfection of sleep. ----- Right pupil more dilated than left, 10/29/2007, 2:00 a.m. | | Sunday, October 21st, 2007 | | 7:54 pm |
The Conductor
I looked upon my own death
without cursing my Mother
I Am
To see another die
is to experience death
with an extra voice
Why must that chatter keep on?
With gratitude, the thumbs of both hands
conduct from brow to sky
like the horns on the head of the Devil
The multitude have forgotten that his uniform
is that of Pan
Why must that chatter keep on?
It is the voice of the mobs
swayed by Panic
As the audience I laugh
delighted by the divine play
I rise upon my own laughter
into the fire of Gnosis
Under the weight
of the memory of birth
and all its echoes
I weep
Forgetting
forgetting
forget
| | Thursday, October 4th, 2007 | | 1:29 pm |
Krishnamurti's Method of Freeing Humanity Unconditionally "Is there decision at all? Decision implies choice, you see. Choice implies a mind that's confused between this & that.... A mind that sees clearly has no choice. It doesn't decide. It acts....
"With responsibility goes love, care, attention....
"The mother depends on the child. And the child depends on the mother, or the father--whatever it is. So that dependence is cultivated. Not only between the father & mother, but 'depend on a teacher', 'depend on somebody to tell you what to do', 'depend on your guru'. Gradually, the child, the man, is incapable of standing alone. & therefore you say 'I must depend on my wife for my comfort, for my sex, my this & that & the other thing. I'm lost without her, & I'm lost without my guru, my teacher.' It becomes so ridiculous. When the feeling of responsibility exists, all this disappears. You are responsible: For your behavior, for the way you bring up your children, for the way you treat a dog, a neighbor, nature--Everything is in your hands. Therefore, you have to become astonishingly carefull what you do. Careful. Not 'I must not do this I must do that'. Care. That means affection, that means consideration, diligence. All that goes with responsibility, which present society totally denies....
"So, when you feel responsible, there is a flowering of real affection, a flowering of care for a child. And you don't train him by cultivating or conditioning him to go & kill another for the sake of your country. O! That is important! So, we come to a point where a human being as he is now--so conditioned to be irresponsible--What are the serious people going to do with the irresponsible people? Education, politics, religion--Every thing is making human beings irresponsible. I'm not exagerating--This is so. I see this as a human being. I say 'what am I to do?'. You follow, Sir? What is my responsibility in the face of the irresponsible?
"Then from that question arises: You can't do anything about the irresponsible. No, Sir. Something strange takes place. Something strange takes place, which is: Consciousness--the irresponsible consciousness is one thing, & the consciousness of responsibility is another. Now, when the human being is totally responsible, that responsibility unconsciously enters into the irresponsible mind....
"Suppose I'm irresponsible, you're responsible. You can't do anything consciously with me. The more you actively operate on me, I resist.... I react violently, I build a wall against you, I hurt you, I do all kinds of things. You see that you cannot do anything consciously, actively...planned, which is what they're all trying to do. But if you can talk to me--to my unconscious...'cause the unconscious is much more active, much more alert, much more--sees the danger much quicker than the conscious, so it's much more sensitive. So if you can talk to me--to the unconscious--that operates. So you don't actively, designedly attack the irresponsible. They have done it, & they have made a mess of it. Whereas if you talk to me, but your whole inward attention is to show how irresponsible I am, what does responsibility mean? You care! In other words, you care for me! You care for me because I am irresponsible! Therefore you care for me, & therefor you're watching not to hurt me. You follow? In that way you penetrate very, very deeply into my unconscious, & that operates unknowingly when I suddenly say 'my god how irresponsible'. You follow? That operates!
"I have seen this, Sir, in operation. Because, I've talked for 50 years, unfortunately or fortunately, to large audiences."--Jiddu Krishnamurti, 2/19/1974, A Wholly Different Way of Living, Part 4 of 18: Responsibility & Relationship | | Sunday, July 22nd, 2007 | | 9:20 am |
Suicidal Guilt I'm really depressed lately. I consistently feel close to crying throughout the entire day. Acting normal through it is a constant mask that I haven't put down. I was hanging out with a couple very close friends last night & they talked about being a little down yesterday, & I couldn't talk about it. I was afraid it would be too much, too crazy & that the details would be too freaky. A month ago yesterday a good friend of mine gave me some valuable, frank words. I already knew what she was saying, she just got a hint of my issues & thought that the tip of the iceberg was all of the iceberg. She didn't know it but her line of reasoning was causally, directly connected to the chain of tragedy & suffering in the last few years of my life. Basically she told me I need to stop blaming people. I realize this & continued listening to her words. My mind considered the ramifications of this. A causal line may be drawn through the last 10 years of my life like this: - Peak of health & happiness at 23. Very fit (e.g. skateboarding even better than I did when I was paid for it).
- Devotion to my Work establishes extreme pattern of overwork (unrecognized by me for years).
- Digestive disease begins.
- Fell in love with C., who I may still call the star of my life.
- Health insurance fraud ruins credit (barring me from renting a home in my own name).
- Quit job to develop original invention with manufacturer. Manufacturer pulls out. Jobless.
- Employed to teach guitar to an elementary school, pay stolen by confidence player middle-woman.
- Recognized in C.: Extreme depression, P.T.S.D. & probable, long-term suicide plan.
Homelessness.
- Own business of software development (including sales records, mailing lists, & a great new title ready for release) destroyed by vandalism.
- Homelessness of C..
- Suicide plan of C. confessed. Desire to help her as much as I possibly could realized. Lack of resources to even visit her in the S.F. Bay Area realized.
- Continued working while digestive health declined. Now added to long-term starvation injuries (anemia & other malnourishment, clinical apathy [that's extreme clinical depression], P.T.S.D.) are short-term (fatal) ones such as ketoacidosis, including diabetic ketoacidosis--Early case of Type I Diabetes developed. 105 pounds with hourly diarrhea, suicide plan decided upon & accepted. Handgun procured.
- C. kills herself.
- Nephew dies at age 1. (Qlipha connected to my disease may have transferred.) Parents realize it could actually be worthwhile monetary investment to save a life, decide to prolong the life of their child (me), pour huge amounts of money into medical & psychological treatment (still none into my credit or invention). Physical & mental states off the maps. Profit-motivated "therapies" still totally ineffective. Freedom from overwork, homelessness & fast-food, combined with natural remedies (researched non-stop over the years) turn my health around.
- Now living in a healthy environment in the Bay Area.
Literally & fully over a period of 8 years, I approached & entered death (&, at the end, definite suicide) to a degree that weaker persons do not survive. I can't really say I've survived it, mentally. I was turned around & am healthier than I've been in 8 years. I was a suicide-of-necessity turned around. So the argument appears to be this:
How can I blame my parents for letting me really waste away for years? Because their humanity saved me at the last minute, proving they had the resources to do so all along. How is it not wrong to be inhumane against life? to disrespect life? They claim they had the will to be humane to me all along. How is it not inhumane to watch your own child die while not only failing to help them, but explicitly telling your child that you will not help them? How is it not perverse to root for the success of your child, for their happiness, for them to fall in love with another great human being & produce & raise more great human specimens of the miracle of life? How is it not perverse to mimic such a healthy sentiment while knowing that your son & the love of his life are homeless & starving & you are doing NOTHING about it? How is that not perverse when your potential daughter-in-law & mother of your grandchildren killed herself--a sweet, loving, beautiful, talented genius numb with loneliness & P.T.S.D. while you did NOTHING about it? A few bucks for a social visit that could change a life? Naw, getting my car waxed & vacationing in a timeshare 10 miles away even though I already own 3 houses is more important. How is that not perverse? How shall we pretend that the deaths connected to such events & decisions & values as these are somehow morally insulated? Let me say something here: Saying goodbye to whatever dreams I entertained about life, accepting that I've survived & taking life over death is alright with me. What else can I do? I have abandoned my "work ethic" for it. I am ready to be healthy. I have spent a lot of time trying to be myself bravely. Today that just means being healthy & alive. I truly appreciate the lessons & perspective I have received from having such a mortal frustration of vital energy, effort & work--such an extreme, unusual & morbid experience, however dividing it is from the normal state of mind of any normal person. If my immediate blood is constituted completely of those normal persons, who turn their face from the struggle of life & pretend that since they're not struggling I must've chosen to be sick & die & am doing it for kicks, no skin off my back. If no part of the social system of my country thinks it worthwhile to save the life of an intelligent, hard-working, productive individual then who can I blame? I dunno who, but if that is the case, it is inhumane--it is sick. I do blame the principle of it: the valuing of money over life--of an artificial construct over life--of an excuse to let one's fellow-sufferers die of disease & suicide-by-necessity in complete poverty & pain, even when the resources for the basic necessities of life are literally in excess around us. While not as homicidal as the profit agenda of the health industry, the withholding of life-saving resources from the dying is still the choice to profit monetarily by others' deaths. I do blame those values & choices for not just my own disease & near-death, but the diseases & actual deaths of some of the greatest people in my life. My own life is tied to a very personal blame for this social sickness. How can I blame myself for C.'s suicide? Because I saw it coming very clearly, even before she said it outright in our last 2 conversations. Because I knew exactly why she was doing it & exactly what she needed to survive. Because I had it & wanted to give it to her more than anything. Because I have been in her shoes & know how suicide is made & unmade. I was there & was brought back by others. She was there & was not brought back by others, & not even the person who loved & understood best: me. I was busy dying myself--I didn't have the resources to do a thing. She had the courtesy to make sure I knew I was loved before she went. I didn't have the insight to go to the proper lengths to acquire resources.
"You need to stop blaming others." My mind rushed through the above argument in a flash--her words pulled up a mental paralysis that consumed me. I couldn't form words, even in my mind. It became difficult to lift my body, & when I finally could I had pain in my chest the rest of the night. I had been enjoying life those weeks, but the night became unbearable. Life was suddenly very painful & this feeling weighed on me. It didn't start to let up for a week. I talked to a really close friend of mine, Gabe, & he said "maybe it's guilt". That is what people call this deep, silent paralysis isn't it?! He was absolutely right. This was when I wrote my guilt trip post about C.' suicide. ...SUICIDAL GUILT.... How did he know? He did a lot of thinking about that kind of thing. He killed himself the last time I saw him, which was his 34th birthday party & the night I moved to Santa Cruz. It doesn't hurt me at all as much as Crystal's suicide. He was a long-time junkie & his suicide was a surprise, not something he discussed with me at length--not a life I was the closest other soul to & that I owed so much to. But I will always remember him & miss him like a family member. His whole funeral was full of his family members like me. Anyway, here I am in a healthy environment in the Bay Area. If I were here before I could've gone & picked Crystal up & we would've had such a nice time together. I mean heavenly. When it was good, it was Magick & she was priestess, & at its worst we had perfect arguments--I think one of us always learned something before it ever was a fight. There I go again--I'm sure I'm idealizing. I mentioned that her qlipha visited me but disappeared when I told it I wouldn't feed it. Well, it talked me into feeding it. It hangs out all the time now just like a fucking ghost. I'm happy when I feel her & think she's still with me, & then on the edge of tears when I realize how delusion I am. I have so much more to write about but I'm just losing my mind. I always keep the worst part bottled up, you know. | | Monday, July 2nd, 2007 | | 2:59 pm |
Santa Cruz Is My Beautiful New Home I got a reading from Voxx the Psychic a couple months ago. She didn't tell me when I would move, but she did tell me when I wouldn't (& was right in that regard). She also seemed to read almost the whole list of places I was considering moving to, which I had in my hands as I spoke to her. This was remarkable because she was 50+ miles away--we were doing the reading on the phone. She told me to study a martial art (which suggests a funny joke, no?--"I had a psychic reading. She told me to learn a martial art, double-time!"), which I've been doing recently. Out of the blue she mentioned that she could see that I've become a person with the capacity to kill someone. I didn't know what to think of that then. Anyway, I was up here for a friend's wedding & the people here are most inviting. They kept offering possible options for places to rent, & hooked me up with this beautiful house I'm sitting. It's so nice I almost wonder if it was specifically designed for therapeutic relaxation, & if I was invited here just because I'm coming out of so much pain. My duty is to water a large yard full of beautiful, green life, surrounded by a ravine & trees, squirrels, birds, a cat. Within a few minutes of watering it becomes so clear how inappropriate all the tension in my body is, & my mindset of looking for the immediate effects of everything. We get so greedy for results. I'm sometimes very sad here when I remember how close I am to where Cryssy suffered so many things, least of which was loneliness & homelessness, & left the world. All those times I would've been there but thought I couldn't because I was so far away, or on the street too or whatever. Now she would be so welcome here, & it would've been so healing for her. I cried today about it. People keep telling me you can't stop someone who's going to go, but the equation is not that simple, & I know this very plainly because I'm still here only because when my resources had run dry people who cared decided it was worth saving a life. People aren't born wanting to die. It's simply the natural thing to do when your resources have run out. I recall that I wasn't just convinced on my own over the years that her life wouldn't be long, but near the end she said very plainly she had been thinking of killing herself. When she was out of touch a couple times I was afraid she was gone, & once when she got in touch again I was really glad, & she was happy to find out there was someone who would miss her. I think she thought I was the only one. (Where were her parents who abused her [or allowed abuse] growing up & who miss her so much now? Separated by error with no one left to blame today but themselves.) I didn't really know how deeply & for how long I would have feelings about it when she was really gone. I didn't know at that time what it was like to have something pushing you out, with no one left to ask for help, to decide to go, prepare to go, wait to go. I didn't know the places her mind went & the things that would've brought her back. Now I know AND I'll go to greater lengths than I did for what really matters. I guess there's no other way to find these things out than to know the suffering & taste the loss. When I describe someone who's killed herself, no one imagines how Cryssy really was. All the way till the end, I never saw her lose it. I NEVER saw her pity herself or stop being the sweetest person deep down. What bravery. All my life I thought I was brave, intelligent, had my priorities in line, was loving where it mattered. She came along & demonstrated the real thing, creating it. Not reactive, but communicative. Articulate enough, charming enough; & way more important than those two things, she would cut right through all bullshit. She sometimes judged what was wrong, & when she did she was always so right & what she taught by that improved the world. She was a best friend, a best lover, already all the things that make a perfect mother. What an amazing human being. I've cried so many times writing this. I've been banishing a lot for months. I didn't mention that her qlipha visited me a few weeks ago. It was very affectionate. I told it we could be friends but that I would never feed it anything. I don't know why I said that, but when I did it immediately disappeared. For a few days I've been meditating about where her soul really is. I think some echo of it fills that very "place" which it has ended up is the initiator of my Reception since she died. I used to consider her a reflection of it, but since she has graduated from form she must be unlimited from it. Today I spoke to her. I apologized to her. She was sweet & light, her smiling eyes sparkling with total attention (as always). She told me everything's okay & to be brave. That has always been Her formula, & I enjoyed a great gift to know her in the world (& will continue to). Obviously I've been processing my feelings of grief & sorrow, but I think today they've found their right place in my life, & I've stored their charge for potential future use: When L. is threatened by crime, I know I will fight (from the center outward). Even center against center, life against life, I will lay down all I have without hesitation. It seems to me a motive that should always apply & always result in the perfect fearlessness which grasps the fruit with both hands. Courage is the spirit of Love. To fail it for fear of death is to deny Life, for Love has many children. |
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